The First 2008 Post of the Year

It has been quite sometime since I posted here. I have been updating my other blog for the past months. :)

I was smiling as I browse to the entries. Really. Its like watching my life on a playback and I fell bad that I was clueless like an idiot. Well maybe huh? When you're in the situation.. you won't really know.

A lot of things had happened. A lot of people have move on. Including me. You know whats the weirdest thing? I can see P in the hallway and I don't give a flying f*ck. It is as if nothing happened.. like I met him during the idle moments of my life. I can't feel anything like before. Tho, I still wish him the good things.. like how I wish everyone who has been a part of my life. Maybe I'm stronger now. Who knows? Or maybe I just don't care.

I hope sooner or later.. I'd get promoted. That will be great. I really want that. :)

funny how you ran..

it was fuckin hilarious..

you are such a loser. unbelievable.

i feel bad for torturing myself. i feel bad caring about you.. because you know what??

you're not worth every second of my time.

F*ck off.

Deep.

i've been having a lot of good times with D lately. We've been hanging around everyday for the last few weeks. Talking about crazy stuff and past exs. I am so in the L WORD right now.. I realized that when I have friends.. they are either straight boys.. bisexuals.. queer... and gay. They are the sweetest thing in the world. You know that saying? Birds of a feather.. blah blah.. well fuck that. I'm neither of all of the above. I'm just plain me.. enjoying every moment of my freedom.

I could have died of shame yesterday. For some weird reason, I acted like a complete noob.. the hell em i thinking sending my crush a smile in friendster?? Thats just so fuckin gay!!! He didn't even know me.. I usually just see him at work. But he already resigned and he's working overseas. I am so nervous yesterday.. I wished that the earth would just swallow me.

But anyways.. I realized while sitting at the back of the cab on my way home.. I think that the reason why I've been so lonely for quite some time is because I've been thinking of the things that are just out of my reach. Things that I can't control.. wishful thoughts that will never happen. I have always wanted to be someone that I'm really not.. I've been wishing to be someone else without any second thoughts that I've been wasting the person that I am today. I cannot change overnight.. or maybe I can never change.. and thats something that I need to accept. I can never be the girl next door who will hold her breath upon reaching for a bouquet of tulips.. that girl who will make heads turn because she looks prim and proper.. that girl who dresses in pink and white skirt and sip into her tea without smudging her make up.. I can never be that. I will always be.. as my friend quoted once.."the crazy, beer drinking girl next door with the sarcastic side and the hot side".. that girl who laughs her heart out loud when hearing a crazy joke.. the one who rarely puts make up.. the pig tail girl who hangs around with a bunch of idiots while watching the NBA playoffs.. the JOEY in Dawson's Creek.. the girl who hears everything.. the girl on the side.. the sarcastic one who thinks that Malibu Barbie is a slut... the one who picks up the shattered pieces of her best friend after a nasty break-up.. the one who cries silently and secretly in the corner. Its not like I'm complaining or something but somehow.. I just get sick of playing the understanding friend.

Anyways.. there's nothing really deep in this post. I just think that its pretty deep to analyze whats the matter with me. But honestly?? i just feel so fuckin tired.. and useless at the moment.

ballparked

I prayed to God yesterday to take care of you because I can't. I prayed with all my heart to him.. to give you the happiness that you will never find with me. Most of all, I surrendered everything because its the only good thing that I can think of right now.I promised God that in doing so, I will return the favor of not thinking about US anymore...that I will try my best to steer my attention to someone else that I'm committed to. Because its the right thing to do. Its the right thing for us. I prayed.. and I prayed hard.

Then.. what I heard tonight stunned me. You're moving in closer.. I will see you everyday. Is God tormenting me?, I whispered to myself.. because I do not have the right to question HIM. This is really hard for me.. and I wish that it will never happen because I can only hold on for quite some time. I am weak when I know that you are around. But I will still try my very best to do the right things. Why? Why do I feel so connected to you?.. like I'm bound to feel this way. Its weird because I can easily get over someone.. in a heartbeat when I don't want to think about them. But then again.. why? Why em i still not tired thinking about you and the things that might have been? Why can't I just humbly accept this defeat?? That you will never love me.. that you are over me.. a long time ago. Why do you keep crossing my mind?

After all this time.. is it possible that I am the one who needs closure?? After all thats been said and done.. is it really me who's still clinging on to US?? Why the hell do I care about us so much?? When I have this feeling inside that you have steered your life away from me? Away from all the possibilities of us ending up again.. of you loving me... of me.. being in your arms. Cheesy.. yeah. But I'm tired, P. And I desperately want to stop. And I swear that I'm trying my best.

I just want whats best for you.. and right now, I have a strong gut feeling that I'm the worst thing that can happen to you.

I want to stop loving you. I want to completely move on and commit everything to memory. I just want to see myself walking away from this.. and I know that I already did..

but then again at the end of the day.. before I close my eyes.. I always ask myself...

'Em I completely over you?? Because somewhere in there.. I can still feel the pain that I buried in the deepest part of my heart.. 7 months ago.

i'm sorry.

so I'm right. I seriously thought that there's something off going on... with you. Its weird but somehow I still feel connected. And it shouldn't be that way, right? Yeah.. I really feel responsible for you. I feel that if I didn't let my emotions get in the way then you'd still be in your comfort zone. You wouldn't be so miserable like you are now. I talked to a couple of your friends.. and they said that you've been weird since OUR INCIDENT. You don't talk to anyone.. you hang out with the loud people in the office.. and most of all.. you've been real tacky. Worst is that.. you desperately tried to convince me that you're a Muslim now. I mean i have nothing against muslims.. I just know that you're family is pretty tight with catholic religion thats all, so when I heard that.. you got me wiggin out for a sec. And you laughed when i believed you.. You said I'm really easy and all.. well. What the fuck you thinkin? i just found out that you deleted your f account yesterday.. so I thought you're in some deep shit really. So I chose to believe because you never joke about stuff like that, P. You are the most serious person I've met.. seriously. You're always ten foot tall with everyone.

I tried to talk to you.. as what some of your friends told me to do. Yeah.. you think you're cool now, huh? Fuck, P. They really think that I should talk to you one more time for some decent closure. Anything to make you feel better. I know you well.. I know how you take care of your problems.. you bail out 99% of the time.. and you ain't resilient, man.. if thats what you want me to think.. now that you're hanging out with those idiots.. laughing your heart out. You can't fake that you feel empty, P. I just know it. And you think that I believed that you're cool with your gf now? I don't think so. I never believed that you love her.. the same way that I believed that you're not coming back with me.

I tried to talk to you. You pushed me away. I tried to make you feel better.. you made me feel like a loser. I tried.. and you just tried harder every time. I'm not good in this melodramatic shit and I know that none of the things that I'll say upfront will make you feel better.. but its honest and its the truth. Right or wrong, somehow it'll both set us free. Damn, man. We happened seven months ago.. I'm sure somehow.. you're a bit ok now. And I am ok. Don't make me feel so guilty, P. Don't send me the intentional message that it's all my fault. It hurts me when your friends judge me that way. And most of all.. its stings when you think of me like that. I tried to be here for you.. most of the time. But you always send me away with the macho confidence and all.. but as I've said.. you can't make me believe that.

And you know what? Its really not my fault if you want to lead a miserable pathetic life. I can't pick your own decision. Just don't take it out on me.. just don't. I feel hell... really. Right now. If this will make things easier.. please pretend that I never happened in your life. Just don't do the things that you're doing now.

Dear God, will you let me off the hook please??

Please don't do this to me, P. We both don't deserve it.

Goodbye.

I don't know why.. but I felt really bad when I found out that you deleted your f account. what's happening, P? I feel that you're really in a bad shape. And for some weird far off reason.. I feel so responsible for you. I don't know why. But thats just the way it is.

You are right.... I walked away.. you walked away. Don't think its easy for me.. because its not. After all this time, I still find myself wondering about you.. in the sad idle moments of my day. Wondering what might have been... I guess I would always feel this way when I think about you.. or worst.. when I hear your name. There are times that I sit in my chair staring at my screen.. pointing my mouse in your name.. thinking if I should leave you a message. But then.. my pride often wins. I can't even spell a simple greeting. Yeah, I'm dying to know how you been doing.. I'm yearning for the sweet messages that we used to shoot at each other. Somehow, after all thats been said and done.. I still want to be a part of your world... to have a part of taking care of you.. in a sad ironic friendly way. Remember the times when limit ourselves of just being friends? I was so stupid to think that you really mean it.. because right now.. I kinda feel that you wanted something more. I was such a noob to close my mind of any possibilities.. that you still want to try. I think of the simple ways that you often do when you were trying to catch my attention.. I'm really stupid, P. And God knows, how I regret it... because somehow.. I did push you away. At least, somehow, amidst all of this madness.. I stand by at what we used to say to each other : THIS IS THE BEST WAY. You are taken.. and so em I. And yeah, this is the bestest solution. And maybe, I'm just hallucinating. Maybe I really am. Because yeah.. there was a time when we're both free but you didn't take the chance. You chose someone over me.. I guess.. thats one good blow for me, huh?

I really don't know why you're not talking to me anymore.,, or why you're dodging me. I'm sorry if at some point.. I did hurt you. And don't worry.. you did hurt me in unimaginable sort of way. You did return the favor. Its crazy.. but I guess.. yeah.. there's no point denying it. I'm not completely over you.

Maybe we are not going to talk anymore.. or see each other anymore. I just hope that.. when you think of me.. you'll think of the good things that we've shared. Although things didn't even end up the way that we wanted it to be.. I just hope that you'll still smile when you think of us.. as the years passed you by.

I did love you, Paolo. In the weird.. sort of way that you can ever think of.

I miss you. Goodbye.

The Un-bloggable blog entry

Damn them. All of my posts that foster true love and happily ever after. Thats just the estrogen talking. At this point of time.. I'm officially 100% emo as we speak. Yeah. I'm not emo resistant. I can be at times.. here's a glimpse of it.

Ok. First thing first, I know we're over P. But hey, give me the E why the hell are we still talking. As far as I know, when a fling ditch you for the old girlfriend..everything in between is considered NULL AND VOID. And why the hell do you still give a damn about me.. I dunno. Well, its not like I'm not talking to you or something but the thing is.. I'm just thinking of the whole point. Yeah, for quite some time I really wanted to keep the friendship but thats just a feel good speech because I was really hurt and.. maybe a bit devastated that you can't fucking make up your mind. The thing is you chose her over me and for some ordinary girl, thats the end of it.. but I wanted to keep my cool and play the understanding old attachment so I said..yeah we can still be friends. If you read this... well.. you will prolly mention the last B fling and you'll say.. HEY, What about him? You guys are still friends. But here's the thing, P. We talked about it.. B and I ending our attachment went well and smooth.. instead of you just leaving me without any words and wouldn't say a damn word about it until I had the courage to bring up the subject and the reality smashed up in my face. Yeah.. B and I are still friends because it was crystal clear from the start before we decided to exchange each other's saliva. And you.. you.. acted cold and dodged me. You were MIA for quite sometime and you dwell in some comforting notion that I am a strong person and that I can understand your decision. Now.. when I was slowly erasing you in my system.. I got a HELLO message in my AIM. And because I value my pride so much.. i replied with the usual ME flavor to let you know that I didn't brood about us. Well here's the thing... I lost. Yeah.. I was bitter and lonely when you left me. And I guess at some point.. maybe a bit desperate. But I managed to hide all of this with my perky personality. But yeah.. I hit rock bottom. I really did. Happy now??? I don't know if you are still testing the waters... and I'm not supposed to care.. but I really hate myself for thinking about you.. hell, I'm even blogging about it.. this one last time.

You said.. you're happy now. Well, good for you. Thats what I really want in the first place.. for you to be happy so that you won't hurt anyone else because of your indecisiveness and lack of balls. Well maybe at some point.. I'm really bitter and still curious why you didn't choose me. But then again.. its old news. You've done it. You shattered me. And I'm done picking up the pieces of US. I understand that its really hard to give up something familiar and comfortable for something new.

And newsflash: I am happy now. With someone else.. I guess this is just the pride talking. But hey.. for what its worth.. let me tell you this.. in the past mind games that we played.. you've won. You prolly don't know it yet.. or you won't ever know it unless you read this entry but then again.. i'm all good now. And if this will make you happy.. so be it.

the fucken jerk of a guy rules again! When will I ever learn. Oh dear god.