honestly.

I miss the feeling of being inside your arms.. your laughters thats echoing inside your car when I'm acting cute.. the way you want me to hold you when you drive me home.. the feeling of holding your hand in public as if we wanted the whole world to know that we are together... the conversations that we share.. your worried face when you can't drive me home.. the cheery eyes that you throw me when I buy you caramel sundaes... the sound of your voice when you call me pretty.. the way you stroke my hair when I'm talking.. the act that you pull when singing ala John Mayer inside your car.. the way you take care of me but so afraid to show it.. the goodbye kisses that we share when I'm in front of my gate..your cute face when you're mad at me..the sad face that you failed to hide when I said goodbye.. the way we look at each other when you ask me a question, I answered with sarcasm and you seemed lost looking into my eyes.. the way we sneak around to spend time together in your car during working hours..the serious face you always pull when i'm sick and is so stubborn to go to the clinic.. the way you react when i'm jealous..

somehow.. i still feel this way. its weird but itsw true.

i don't wanna be a player no more...

MONDAY

Jesse's car after dinner.

J: when will I see you again?
K: I dunno. I have a pretty busy week ahead. I'll call you?
J: You always say that.. but you never call. I have to drag myself to your office to see what you're doing.
K: (sighs) I'm just busy.. I always lose track of time. I didn't mean to do it.. really.
J: Are we exclusive?
K: As in dating exclusively?
J: Is that a bad thing?
K: Let's talk about this next time.. I got to run. (kissed Jesse goodbye and stepped out of the car)

TUESDAY

Talking on the phone with Antonio.

A: What you doin saturday night?
K: I don't know.
A: I'll pick you up at 8pm in your place.
K: But.. hey! we just watched a movie some time sunday!
A: Yeah.. like a month ago. What em I to you, really?
K: We're good friends right?
A: Good friends don't hold hands, Kels. They just talk.
K: So i won't hold your hand then.
A: Don't play this game with me. I've been through a lot.
K: I'm sorry.. let me call you saturday. (hang up)

WEDNESDAY

Dinner with friends.

F1: Is that the guy you dated? (points out to a hot guy in the corner)
K: Yeah.
F2: You guys are not dating anymore? That was like a month ago. Whats his name again?
K: (pauses) Kyle? Carl? Can't remember.
F1: Whaaaaaaat? You don't forget the name of a hot guy like that. Impossible.
F2: This got to stop, Kels. You don't let them get into your pants and forget their name afterwards.
K: Ok.. first thing first. I don't sleep around with the guys that I date. I just flirt with them to elimate the boredom.. I love my freedom.. you have to be pretty brilliant to talk me out of it or i'm just plain stupid to give it up.
F1: Yeah right.
K: hey.. gotta go guys. I'm meeting C in a while. Have a great night ahead.

THURSDAY

P: Hey.. you look pretty great in that dress.
K: Yeah? gee thanks. Its just something that I put on.
P: Have you thought about it?
K: Oh.. I'll have mango tart tonight.
P: Not the menu, silly. About us.
K: Oh.. that. Not really. I've been busy. I don't even have the time to scratch my back.
P: So when are we going to talk about it?
K: I'll let you know, k? Dessert?

FRIDAY

B: What are we really, K? Em I some random guy in your closet?
K: Huh? What are you talking about?
B: YOu know what I'm talking about. You have to let me know my place.. sooner or later.
K: Don't push me into it,k? I thought when we first going out.. it was pretty clear.
B: That you don't want a commitment?
K: No.. of course not. That we will take it one day at a time.
B: That was like 3 months ago. I was hoping by now that you made up your mind.
K: Well.. if thats too long for you. I'm really sorry. But I have to be sure of what I really feel for you before we declare this official. I like you.. I like you a lot. I care for you more than I should. We have all the time in the world.. why are we rushing then?
B: I don't buy this shit. You have to let me know tomorrow.
K: I can't see you tomorrow. I'm going to Baguio with my associates.
B: Sunday then.
K: You really want me to decide on a very busy day? Are you sure?
B: (sigh) Haaay.. when is the most convenient time for you then?
K: You know.. if I'm making this hard on you.. we can really end this here and now.
B: You see.. you really don't like me. Just please tell me.. don't lead me on.
K: I'm not leading you on.. I'm just being careful. I just don't want to hurt you thats all.
B: Whats holding you back then? Is it me? Is it our differences?
K: What are you talking about? I don't get you. This is not the right time to talk. I have to go.
B: Yeah, thats it. Avoid the drama.
K: I'll see you around, B. I'll call you ok? (kisses B goodbye and stepped outof the car)

SATURDAY

All of them called.. I wasn't able to answer. Hey! I was sleeping.

reminiscing B...

its weird that i've been thinking about you lately. Its really weird.I'm sure I'm fine.. it was hard to get over you.. i'm not going to deny it. as far as i know, when people have moved on with their lives.. its pointless to run memories in your head over and over again. Those memories that pained me a long time ago because things didn't work out the way i want it to be.. I know I'm really over you..as a matter of fact I dated someone whom I thought was greater than you but you're different.. i still get flashes of US once in a while.. what does it mean? I really don't know. Maybe I have loved P but then I'm wondering right now if I have loved you more. Or maybe I'm just running options in my head because I just got out from a really depressing scenario. Or maybe I did truly love you but I was in a denial for a long period of time. Its so sad to realize all these things now that you are gone. When I already made you feel that I closed the door for the both of us. I know in a way. you wanted us to be together.. that you wanted to take care of the little thing that we once had as long as you can. But I blew it off.. and I feel so fucking sad about it.

I miss the feeling of being inside your arms.. your laughters thats echoing inside your car when I'm acting cute.. the way you want me to hold you when you drive me home.. the feeling of holding your hand in public as if we wanted the whole world to know that we are together... the conversations that we share.. your worried face when you can't drive me home.. the cheery eyes that you throw me when I buy you caramel sundaes... the sound of your voice when you call me pretty.. the way you stroke my hair when I'm talking.. the act that you pull when singing ala John Mayer inside your car.. the way you take care of me but so afraid to show it.. the goodbye kisses that we share when I'm in front of my gate..your cute face when you're mad at me..the sad face that you failed to hide when I said goodbye.. the way we look at each other when you ask me a question, I answered with sarcasm and you seemed lost looking into my eyes.. the way we sneak around to spend time together in your car during working hours..the serious face you always pull when i'm sick and is so stubborn to go to the clinic.. the way you react when i'm jealous..

hell, b! you're making my heart melt.. right about now.

fragments of Bs

sometime october

one morning just right after training. Things are blurry between us because of her.Its funny that I walk you out to your car.. I sat there and you look really worried.

Me: Hey cheer up. You'll be fine.
B: I'm ok. How are you?
Me: I don't know. I feel so bad for the girl.. she doesn't know a thing about us. I mean you guys are kind of dating.. and i came into the picture. If you need time i can really give you that. ok lang kasi sa kin kung nasa ibang place siya eh pero we are in the same place. pano kung pumayag siya na ok lang sa kanya yung ganung set up din? Yung walang relationship.. what are you going to do?
B: Ok lang ba sa yo yung ganung set up din?
Me: No.. i have to go.

He held my hand..his eyes staring at me.
B: No, Kel. Please don't go. You are the only good thing thats happening to me right now. Give me time to think.. don't make me choose. I need time.
Me: Ok. You going somewhere ba?
B: I'm going to Cabuyao. Family business. I'll text you later ok?
Me: Ok. I'll see you around.
B: You take care with your team breakfast. (pulled me close to him and kissed me.)
Me: (smiling) alright. See you later.
B: Bye, pretty.

* its weird that I've been thinking about us lately. You're not even the recent guy that I dated. This happened last year and yet the memories are still so vivid in my mind. As far as I know, i'm really over you. But then again.. before i go to sleep this morning.. its funny that I asked myself.. Em I really over you? And its weird that i can't make myself to say YES.

No, B! I'm really over you.

HOUSE-isms.

We can't always get what we want.. thats good to hear. When something goes wrong.. somebody screwed up.. thats another thing.

I WILL MARRY JESSE SPENCER!