I had a really great time watching the basketball game in Almanza. I was so happy to see Margo, Jay and Celso again. And it was a euphoric moment that i get to hang out with Paolo after the sunday breakdown. I went home really late and spent the whole day sleeping after that.
My friday was really exhausting. P needed to wake me up at around 3pm so that I can make it in my 6pm interview. I made it on time but fucking HR rescheduled the interview at 7pm so I made a complete idiot of myself as I made the roll call and no one was ever there. People are giving me these blank confused faces and I felt like my cheeks getting warm. Honestly, the only good thing that kept me that day was the fact that I will be going to Alabang in the wee hours of the morning to see Paolo. I miss him like hell.
When I got to Alabang.. my friends jumped on me. Hahaha. I felt really hungry so I decided to eat in Samurai, P texted me then and he was there in a heartbeat. I really don't know how to act in front of many people when I'm with P. The moment I saw him I felt like throwing myself on him and kiss him in front of many people. But somehow I still care on what they will think of us. Maybe because I had these thoughts at the back of my head that people might think I'm taking advantage of the situation. Everyone knows that he has a gf and some of my friends think that I'm still getting over B. Its paranoia, I know. But most of the time, I really don't care. There are times that I'm really selfish and I don't think straight.. I guess its really hard to do that when you're so in to someone. But i felt at that very moment, its not proper to act on what I really feel. Not yet. Not in front of my friends. P is important to me, don't get me wrong.. most of the time I feel like he's the only good thing thats happening into my life.. all of the time, he's the only reason that pushes me to get on my day and end it with a smile.
After driving Jay and Margo to Festival Mall.. we spent the whole morning at Sid's. I changed my clothes because I felt smelly and dirty. P always smells nice kasi eh. Nahiya ako bigla. Maybe its hard not to act on what we feel when we're together. Its not a theory anymore.. fact na siya. Its hard not to kiss P or not to hold his hand.. taena.. why do I always feel that if I won't do it then and there the moment will just pass us by tapos hindi ko na siya mababalik. Maybe because I'm done living with the "what-ifs" and shit like that. Basta at this point of time.. I want to be here.. I want to stay in this. I learned to accept things.. I know right now its impossibe to happen. I know that in the process I will get hurt.. but thats just so overrated. Eventually even if I try to protect myself.. I'll still end up hurting. This is happening right now.. and I just have to deal with it and try to create great memories to make it worth our while.
Saturday, March 31, 2007
the breakdown
written 8:20 03/27/07
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the words are still echoing in my head. Its as if i cannot believe that I was able to spill them out then and there at that very moment. "I don't know if I love you.. that I cannot be sure. But I'm sure of one thing.. I was ready to love you...to accept you for who you are.. for what you have been through. And most of all to take the chance of just being with you for as long as I can.. it may not be forever or for as long as I live, I cannot promise you that but I am willing to try as hard as I can.. to breathe with you.. to hold your hand until you let them go..." something like that.
it was the most emotional night and the most memorable early morning of my life. It didn't turn out the way I wanted it to be but I was honest and i was out in the open. Sometimes being vulnerable to your emotions might help to make you stronger. Yes, he went back to the great gf..i cannot blame him for that. I only hope that he will not commit the same mistake that i have done in the past. But thats me versus freewill, I cannot force the things that I have learned through years in his mind or his heart. There are lessons that are best learned by commting the mistakes on your own. By trying to stand up without the help of others.. by healing on your own without the support of your friends. It was painful being with him and just holding his hand when I know that they ought to hold someone else's but then I realized that I cannot really own anyone or their hearts because I know that I was never owned by anyone.. not even myself. I am owned by the emotions that governed the incidents in my life... by the conscience that dictates my wholeness. He said this is the only thing that I can offer you and I said.. thank you. At the very least he can still offer me something when I know that the big part of his heart was flooded by the memories of someone that he met way back before I happened to his life. No, I'm not the girl on the side. I am a friend. Nothing more.
I know I will move on.. I will close doors.. I will meet someone new. The same goes for him.. he will move on whether he ends up with the great gf or not... whether he will stay single for a long period of time..whether he will meet someone new.. only time can tell but i'm sure that the memory of that early morning with him, the words that were said and left unsaid will always have a place in my heart no matter what happens. And our friendship will forever be in the standstill. And thats enough for me to say that my life is worth living because of that moment.
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the words are still echoing in my head. Its as if i cannot believe that I was able to spill them out then and there at that very moment. "I don't know if I love you.. that I cannot be sure. But I'm sure of one thing.. I was ready to love you...to accept you for who you are.. for what you have been through. And most of all to take the chance of just being with you for as long as I can.. it may not be forever or for as long as I live, I cannot promise you that but I am willing to try as hard as I can.. to breathe with you.. to hold your hand until you let them go..." something like that.
it was the most emotional night and the most memorable early morning of my life. It didn't turn out the way I wanted it to be but I was honest and i was out in the open. Sometimes being vulnerable to your emotions might help to make you stronger. Yes, he went back to the great gf..i cannot blame him for that. I only hope that he will not commit the same mistake that i have done in the past. But thats me versus freewill, I cannot force the things that I have learned through years in his mind or his heart. There are lessons that are best learned by commting the mistakes on your own. By trying to stand up without the help of others.. by healing on your own without the support of your friends. It was painful being with him and just holding his hand when I know that they ought to hold someone else's but then I realized that I cannot really own anyone or their hearts because I know that I was never owned by anyone.. not even myself. I am owned by the emotions that governed the incidents in my life... by the conscience that dictates my wholeness. He said this is the only thing that I can offer you and I said.. thank you. At the very least he can still offer me something when I know that the big part of his heart was flooded by the memories of someone that he met way back before I happened to his life. No, I'm not the girl on the side. I am a friend. Nothing more.
I know I will move on.. I will close doors.. I will meet someone new. The same goes for him.. he will move on whether he ends up with the great gf or not... whether he will stay single for a long period of time..whether he will meet someone new.. only time can tell but i'm sure that the memory of that early morning with him, the words that were said and left unsaid will always have a place in my heart no matter what happens. And our friendship will forever be in the standstill. And thats enough for me to say that my life is worth living because of that moment.
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