Deep.

i've been having a lot of good times with D lately. We've been hanging around everyday for the last few weeks. Talking about crazy stuff and past exs. I am so in the L WORD right now.. I realized that when I have friends.. they are either straight boys.. bisexuals.. queer... and gay. They are the sweetest thing in the world. You know that saying? Birds of a feather.. blah blah.. well fuck that. I'm neither of all of the above. I'm just plain me.. enjoying every moment of my freedom.

I could have died of shame yesterday. For some weird reason, I acted like a complete noob.. the hell em i thinking sending my crush a smile in friendster?? Thats just so fuckin gay!!! He didn't even know me.. I usually just see him at work. But he already resigned and he's working overseas. I am so nervous yesterday.. I wished that the earth would just swallow me.

But anyways.. I realized while sitting at the back of the cab on my way home.. I think that the reason why I've been so lonely for quite some time is because I've been thinking of the things that are just out of my reach. Things that I can't control.. wishful thoughts that will never happen. I have always wanted to be someone that I'm really not.. I've been wishing to be someone else without any second thoughts that I've been wasting the person that I am today. I cannot change overnight.. or maybe I can never change.. and thats something that I need to accept. I can never be the girl next door who will hold her breath upon reaching for a bouquet of tulips.. that girl who will make heads turn because she looks prim and proper.. that girl who dresses in pink and white skirt and sip into her tea without smudging her make up.. I can never be that. I will always be.. as my friend quoted once.."the crazy, beer drinking girl next door with the sarcastic side and the hot side".. that girl who laughs her heart out loud when hearing a crazy joke.. the one who rarely puts make up.. the pig tail girl who hangs around with a bunch of idiots while watching the NBA playoffs.. the JOEY in Dawson's Creek.. the girl who hears everything.. the girl on the side.. the sarcastic one who thinks that Malibu Barbie is a slut... the one who picks up the shattered pieces of her best friend after a nasty break-up.. the one who cries silently and secretly in the corner. Its not like I'm complaining or something but somehow.. I just get sick of playing the understanding friend.

Anyways.. there's nothing really deep in this post. I just think that its pretty deep to analyze whats the matter with me. But honestly?? i just feel so fuckin tired.. and useless at the moment.