ballparked

I prayed to God yesterday to take care of you because I can't. I prayed with all my heart to him.. to give you the happiness that you will never find with me. Most of all, I surrendered everything because its the only good thing that I can think of right now.I promised God that in doing so, I will return the favor of not thinking about US anymore...that I will try my best to steer my attention to someone else that I'm committed to. Because its the right thing to do. Its the right thing for us. I prayed.. and I prayed hard.

Then.. what I heard tonight stunned me. You're moving in closer.. I will see you everyday. Is God tormenting me?, I whispered to myself.. because I do not have the right to question HIM. This is really hard for me.. and I wish that it will never happen because I can only hold on for quite some time. I am weak when I know that you are around. But I will still try my very best to do the right things. Why? Why do I feel so connected to you?.. like I'm bound to feel this way. Its weird because I can easily get over someone.. in a heartbeat when I don't want to think about them. But then again.. why? Why em i still not tired thinking about you and the things that might have been? Why can't I just humbly accept this defeat?? That you will never love me.. that you are over me.. a long time ago. Why do you keep crossing my mind?

After all this time.. is it possible that I am the one who needs closure?? After all thats been said and done.. is it really me who's still clinging on to US?? Why the hell do I care about us so much?? When I have this feeling inside that you have steered your life away from me? Away from all the possibilities of us ending up again.. of you loving me... of me.. being in your arms. Cheesy.. yeah. But I'm tired, P. And I desperately want to stop. And I swear that I'm trying my best.

I just want whats best for you.. and right now, I have a strong gut feeling that I'm the worst thing that can happen to you.

I want to stop loving you. I want to completely move on and commit everything to memory. I just want to see myself walking away from this.. and I know that I already did..

but then again at the end of the day.. before I close my eyes.. I always ask myself...

'Em I completely over you?? Because somewhere in there.. I can still feel the pain that I buried in the deepest part of my heart.. 7 months ago.