The Conversation.

[01:11] P: may sasabihin ako sau
[01:11] P: baka sobrang kapal ng dating pero you prolly have to hear it
[01:11] kellieppoapac: go
[01:12] kellieppoapac: if you have to say it.. say it.. we have to be honest.. wag mong i sugar coat yung mga words.. tell it as it is
[01:12] P: pero lam mu.. you really shouldnt expect anything to happen with me nlng e. badtrip sya cguro.. but better pa if you invest your emotions in somebody else siguro. kasi mahihirapan ka lang.. tas no guarantee pa of your getting anything out of it. lam mu un? sobrang weird sabihin sayo pero ganun un tingin ko. sooner or later youll learn to hate me lang kasi masasaktan ka lang with me and you deserve better.
[01:13] P: kasi di pa ko decided what i want e parang manyayari lang nun isa like what youve already gone through with other people. you shouldnt go through that again.
[01:14] kellieppoapac: is that what you really want to say? or you are saying that because you think it will help me to move on?
[01:14] P: what i want to say is that you should move on.
[01:14] P: if it helps you to move on e di good.. but thats what i want to say.
[01:14] kellieppoapac: ok
[01:15] kellieppoapac: thanks for being honest
[01:15] P: honesty is over rated
[01:15] P: heck i'm over rated
[01:15] P: lam mu naman deep inside di ako worth it e
[01:15] P: i'm sure[01:15] kellieppoapac: how can you say that? ikaw ba ako?
[01:16] P: pero thanks for making me feel so great all the time
[01:16] P: :)
[01:16] P: hindi
[01:16] P: but thats beside the point naman e
[01:16] kellieppoapac: so you want me to move on.. and forget that something happened.. parang ganun eh
[01:16] kellieppoapac: thats ok with me naman
[01:18] P: saket naman nun if you just forget that something happened.. i wouldnt want you to do that naman e. pero if its easier for you na ganun.. di cge.
[01:18] P: ewan ko. malabo lang ako . sorry
P: ok
[01:22] kellieppoapac: alam ko naman dati pa.. you want me to say it in your face. na ako na yung lalayo.. ayaw mong mag decide kasi ayaw mong ma guilty ka.. pero you know what pao? maybe i really don't deserve you.. you have a point there. tama ka.. i deserve someone great.
[01:22] P: youre right
[01:23] P: sorry for being such a waste of time then. same lang ako ng ibang guys youve known in the past.
[01:24] P: the regular ones.. dapat sau un ok tlga.
[01:24] kellieppoapac: you're right
[01:25] P: yup. check ya later
Session Close (P): Fri Apr 13 01:26:12 2007

*do I have to spell it out for you? I'm leaving.. its ending. I hope you're happy now.

Pitch Black.

There was a heavy pounding in my head as I woke up this morning. Prolly because my brain was exhausted thinking of stupid senseless notions last night. I didn't go to work last night. Yup.. this is affecting my career...something that I fear the most. I am desperately helplessly throwing myself into someone who is afraid of loving me for the most bullshit reasons. And so because my pride is killing me each and everyday for a month, I decided to go away. Starting now...

Sure.. its gonna blow. Sure, I will feel like dying for the next few days. And I will definitely have moments of fucking relapses but then again.. I have to know my place. Its not going to work out. Again, I have to let go of the things that are not meant for me. P is one of them. Its hard.. its mind blowing.. its making me insane but then when i think of all the pain that will come in the future.. I'd rather take this situation now than be drawn in a pitch black of hopelessness in the future. Its better this way.. its easier said than done. This is how I'm wired.. this is the only easy way out that I can think of. Move on.. let go..

He said that he's been hiding his feelings because its better for everyone involved.. at some point he made sense there. Its easier for him and the great gf.. it feels hell for me. So since he can't make a decision.. since he doesn't have the guts to tell it in front of my face.. to confront the fear of losing me.. how about I make it easier for him? How about I made the move? Tutal naman wala naman tong patutunguhan eh.. I love P.. but I love myself even more. No one has the right to do this to me.. I shouldn't be in pain.. I shouldn't be feeling this way.. well not for a long time.. since I'm walking away starting now.

At some point, i really hate doing it. But what is there to regret? I was honest with what I feel.. i told him without hesitation how I love him.. how ready I am for him. How we could be happy together if he was only brave enough to take the chance but for some scary reason.. he can't take it. Maybe this is how it was supposed to end.. maybe this is really the ending. Another lesson learned.. another milestone more. I've done everything.. I've said everything.. I can't say anything more. I'm not expecting.. I'm not even hoping to be with him anymore.. the only thing that I can see right now is ME.. being happy with everything to come.. not with him.. not even with someone.. but just for myself. Hey, I deserve that.

And hey, P.. even if I feel like I'm just a big mistake.. I hope I'm the one mistake where you learned only the greatest things so that you can be a better person. And hey, just between you and me.. we had a pretty good run. :)

I will be happy sometime soon.. i just thought you should know.

ayoko na.

thats all there is to say really. its too much. i don't deserve it. i can't wait anymore. so since you made the move.. then i'm going. thanks for all the memories.

i should have move on dati pa.. hindi ko alam kung bakit ngayon lang. mas masakit tuloy. pero ok lang. I can move on..same song.. same person.. akala ko iba ka.

mali na naman ako.