hey i tried :(

I can never.. ever win you back. That's clear. Today, I had another fucking relapse. I was talking about you with my friends again... and I was laughing out loud trying to make the pain go. All of them.. please. Someone.. someone oh dear lord merciful oh powerful living God.. take them all away. I was just thinking how you can melt my heart with a cute grunt. That feeling of like having a thousand butterflies in my stomach when you hold my hand.. or kiss me in a heartbeat when I'm telling story in the weirdest way possible.. but then again i always feel a jolt in my head when I think of the thousand ways why we can't be together. Why you're with someone else and why I'm here all alone. The plan is to move on. Hey, I'm sticking to our plan. Its just normal to have these relapses, right? Don't you feel them too?

A friend told me that I shouldn't be a doormat to a guy who doesn't know my worth. That was the most painful thing to hear today.. because i thought you know my worth. But when I rationalize all the things that happened in a short period of time.. i feel that my friend is absolutely right.. saying things like that. It makes perfect sense. My aunt says that I should have a board to look at before I gotto sleep.. in that board.. I should put your name on it.. a voodoo doll or something with your name on it.. together with a post it that enumerates the reasons why I should let you go. She said its some form of therapy.. i should look at it all the time until I don't feel anything anymore. Until I realize one day that I have finally let you go. My idea was to put the things that you said on that painful conversation that we had. Those powerful words that broke my heart into thousand pieces.. and my pride into smithereens. I feel so wrong being with you and yet I don't know where to start of letting you go.

You said you will go online tonight. Deep inside I really waited.. but there was no you. Thats another thing to put on my post it. Are you just trying to be nice to me because you are guilty of what you've put me through? See, thats another thing to write beside my voodoo doll.I don't know what to think anymore.. I don't know what to say.. I'm running out of words to say..I've said a lot of things. Here's the thing.. if you try another weird thing again.. I will not talk to you anymore. After all.. we were never really friends in the first place. whats there to save? You're not even worth saving.. because being with you means hurting me a lot. I don't even know why im here. But then again.. the heart has its own reasons that only the heart can understand...

But still.. Aristotle is so overrated. I'd go with what John Mayer has to say.. AFTER MY LONELINESS IS OVER.. I'm gonna find another you.

Yup.. I will.