pms-ing.

I had a dream, in my dream I was standing in the new office. I can smell the sweet aroma of caramel sundaes in the air. People are everywhere.. celebrating our first day of working in the new building.. even Jay and some of the alabang peeps were there.. laughing. I stood there holding a caramel sundae..looking for someone in the crowd.. feeling really excited because this is his favorite. We used to share caramel sundae, I used to buy him caramel sundaes... my heart was beating really fast as I roamed the place.. he's nowhere. And then in my dream..I realized that he's really not there.. he's not coming back anymore.. and for some weird reason, I ended up crying. In my dream, I was feeling devastated.. its funny how you can feel emotions while dreaming. Jay tried to comfort me and I lean on his shoulder.. like a child lost in a mall. He asked me what's the matter and I didn't answer.. I just sobbed. This is not you, Kellie! Its just not so you!, my mind shouted. I can't remember how my dream ended but I woke up last night feeling really alone. Another attack of the tricky subconcious mind.. another unconcious breakdown. Tangina, I feel so helpless. How was it possible that you suddenly dreamt of someone that was never in your thoughts when you're awake? I hope this never happen again, i don't like the feeling, its fucking frustrating. Pakiramdam ko napaka miserable kong nilalang.

I always feel that when alex and I broke up, I have some sort of publicist who spread the word that I'm not off the market anymore. A friend wants me to date someone and I said no. A rep is hooking me up with a pba player and I said, hell no. My answer is simple : NOT READY. Just not now. My decision has nothing to do with my past relationships or emotional attachments.. I just feel like its not yet time. You see when you start dating someone that you like.. it means risking your time, emotion, money, intelligence and sometimes.. all of you. And right now, I can't see anyone in the line who's really worth my time. Plus, I'm really lazy. Dating someone also means that you need to groom. And grooming is really expensive. A girl can be considered lucky when she finds a guy who like her character.. I was lucky once.. I don't think I will be damn lucky on my next ride. I cursed rejection a long time ago.. I said that it will never be a part of my life. Not ever. Not anymore. So hold your horses princes and knights.. I shall return. I just need some time. Who wants to be alone? Definitely not me. I will come back.. just not now.