Badminton, Bowling and Blood Diamond.

I spent the rest of the afternoon with my ex. First, we played bowling then we watched Blood Diamond. I guess I missed my ex. I appreciate his feelings towards me... but its not enough to go back and start all over again. I guess it will take some time. I guess its pride. My ex is the nicest guy ever, he is the ideal boyfriend.. no one will argue about that. But then still.. I need time to find myself. i just can't give in. Maybe not yet. Maybe never.

The day before that I had a date with my bestfriend. We watched Eragon. I missed my bestfriend. I was so touched that he travelled all the way from Alabang to Libis just to see me. He talked to my mum and told her that he badly misses me. Jay and I talked about his wedding and I really wish that I can go with him to Malaysia this coming June. And after 3 months, I finally had the guts to tell him about my affair. I was nervous that he will judge me but he didn't. He said that he had a feeling about me and that guy way back before and he's just waiting for me to blurt it out. I told him its over. And i felt really bad hiding behind his back. He asked me how I managed to do that because he can't do it.. keeping secrets from me. I told him that I'm simply not ready. Jay and I love each other a lot. We've been through the hard and the high times.. and i felt really relieved that I finally had the courage to tell him about me and that guy. I realized that I missed a lot of things while with 13. I took my friends for granted... I was thinking of 13 the whole time. The whole 3 months. But I'm done with that.. and I'm still happy that my friends still love me.

The day before that.. I was thinking of 13. How things are left unfinished. If destiny will still find us together.. But I figured that I'm just putting myself in a more f* up situation. We lost communication for quite some time and I just don't have the guts to make way. I'm scared I guess.. to tell him exactly how I feel about him. How lonely it is to live a day without hearing his laughters. How devastated I am everytime I think of how perfect we are together but then again for some million reasons.. we just can't be together. I often think that he's still not over with his ex. And thats fine, I think. Everyone needs time to bleed. Its not a pleasant feeling to walk away from a situation that offers a thousand possibilities.. I often have that thought when I think of 13. Or maybe its just me? How can i be so stupid wasting my time thinking of him in the wee hours of the mornings when I know he's busy doing something else? I really miss our times together.. and I still hope.. maybe in the next lifetime.. if God permits, that we will meet differently. Then maybe I could love him without any inhibitons.. then maybe he could be mine. Yeah.. in our next lifetime. But just not in this one.