the breakdown

written 8:20 03/27/07

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the words are still echoing in my head. Its as if i cannot believe that I was able to spill them out then and there at that very moment. "I don't know if I love you.. that I cannot be sure. But I'm sure of one thing.. I was ready to love you...to accept you for who you are.. for what you have been through. And most of all to take the chance of just being with you for as long as I can.. it may not be forever or for as long as I live, I cannot promise you that but I am willing to try as hard as I can.. to breathe with you.. to hold your hand until you let them go..." something like that.

it was the most emotional night and the most memorable early morning of my life. It didn't turn out the way I wanted it to be but I was honest and i was out in the open. Sometimes being vulnerable to your emotions might help to make you stronger. Yes, he went back to the great gf..i cannot blame him for that. I only hope that he will not commit the same mistake that i have done in the past. But thats me versus freewill, I cannot force the things that I have learned through years in his mind or his heart. There are lessons that are best learned by commting the mistakes on your own. By trying to stand up without the help of others.. by healing on your own without the support of your friends. It was painful being with him and just holding his hand when I know that they ought to hold someone else's but then I realized that I cannot really own anyone or their hearts because I know that I was never owned by anyone.. not even myself. I am owned by the emotions that governed the incidents in my life... by the conscience that dictates my wholeness. He said this is the only thing that I can offer you and I said.. thank you. At the very least he can still offer me something when I know that the big part of his heart was flooded by the memories of someone that he met way back before I happened to his life. No, I'm not the girl on the side. I am a friend. Nothing more.

I know I will move on.. I will close doors.. I will meet someone new. The same goes for him.. he will move on whether he ends up with the great gf or not... whether he will stay single for a long period of time..whether he will meet someone new.. only time can tell but i'm sure that the memory of that early morning with him, the words that were said and left unsaid will always have a place in my heart no matter what happens. And our friendship will forever be in the standstill. And thats enough for me to say that my life is worth living because of that moment.