girl on the side.. for how long?

After the great 300 saturday night.. here's the other great news. I'm slowly becoming the girl on the side. Haha! Superb job, Kellie. Another mess.. another lesson. You asked me on what will I do if you just hold my hand there and never let go.. my answer was plain and simple.. when the right time comes.. I will let you hold it. For as long as you want. But that night was not the right time. Or the coming Saturday nights adventure with you. I asked you what kept you busy the next day after and you said that you spent some time with the great gf and watched the Night at the Museum. My say was "Wow, I'm happy for you to spend time with her. You must have really missed her a lot. " You answered me with "I dunno. I dunno what I really feel.. " If you're just another guy.. I could have sworn thats really BS. But when I looked at you, I know that you are really lost. And I'm sorry to put you in that situation. I mean it when I said that I know where you're coming from...

I'm not an expert on this. I only want people to be happy. As in truly happy. Things would be great if I'm the source of that happiness but there are times that i can never be that person even if I try my best.. I just can't be. I said that I can't give up on you.. I mean it. But I won't stay that long either. I can always not give up on you and stay in the shadows.. its my choice. Call it Emo.. but sometimes I feel that I also do crazy stuff.

Here's the only true thing.. I want to be with you. I guess I really do but there are things that I can't force to bend my way. And I want you to be with me when things are really certain. I just can't screw this one up because I've learned so many lessons.. one of them states that losing someone you trully care for will blow you into thousand pieces. But its not me that I'm worrying about. Its you. I guess I care for you more than anything else and there are times that i feel that you are the only good thing thats happening to me. But at this point of time.. its just not enough. I have a strong gut feeling that things will be so messy if we hurry things up..but lets not take it too slow because we might end up losing each other.

You came to my life when everything is pretty clear. When I realized that relationships can be pretty exhausting.. because someone stopped trying to make it feel REAL. Its ironic that we learn our lessons when its too damn late. But in the end, you'll realize that the only purpose why you learned them late is because something greater will be with you.. and its up to you to mess all things up again. You know.. I'm really scared. But my cards are here.. its in the table. Thats very first time i let myself out in the open. And its pretty scary.. but what the heck? without pain.. I guess I wouldn't feel real as well. I know sooner or later I had to do it... and I'm doing it now. Its here.. I'm not asking you to pick me.. I'm just asking you to choose the right decision that will really make you feel genuinely happy.

I hope I'm really making sense. Later.